Saying no especially during the holiday season can mean you’re being the bearer of bad news for someone else. But for your mental health and your best life, it is necessary.
I don’t know about you, but I am a person who likes to be the bright spot in someone’s day. I want to know that my choice to help them was the reason their problem was solved, or their goals were met. This can be especially true during the holiday season; you want to give everyone the gifts they want, donate to every organization, attend every holiday party, and just be Mr./Ms. Holiday Spirit. This increased pressure to say yes to everything can be detrimental to our mental health and we don’t want to experience those kinds of downs (especially with seasonal affective disorder). This post aims to be a reminder to those of us who have a bit of trouble with saying no to help us practice putting ourselves first in a season where we can find it difficult to do so.
Why Saying “No” is So Hard During the Holidays
No matter what you celebrate, we always want to bring holiday cheer to those around us. There are dinners that must be made, gifts that need to be purchased, and expectations that need to be met to make sure the holiday is spent right. This can be especially true if there are certain traditions you need to uphold within your family or how you need to be a “team player” at work. The bottom line is that we don’t want to disappoint others. If you’re a people pleaser (I’m raising my hand as I write this because I was a notorious people pleaser) you aim to be liked by everyone at the detriment of your self-care and happiness. You’re afraid that the one time you’ll say no is the time that people will turn their back on you.
Maybe you tend to say yes to everything because you want to show people that you’re always there for them so that one day when you need it, they will be there for you. I hate to sound negative but nine times out of ten those people who are constantly asking for favors that are always expecting you to say yes will be the first person to turn their back on you when you say no and the last person to help you when you’re truly in need.
The Benefits of Saying “No”
When you go from being more concerned about what everyone thinks and pleasing everyone you get a sense of peace you might not have had when saying no. You get to prioritize yourself first instead of pouring into everyone else. They do say that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you prioritize yourself, you’re able to give more instead of being depleted. This is especially important during the holidays when you need to be present for your loved ones.
Tips for Saying No Gracefully
If you tend to be a yes man or woman, here are some tips you can use to say no and maintain those boundaries you have set for yourself:
1. Start Small
Start saying no to small things like tiny requests or when people offer you something, even if it’s the tiniest and easiest thing to do. Saying no is something that needs to be practiced so by saying no to the tiniest requests can be the precursor to you saying no to bigger requests that drain your energy from people who will try to get as much out of you as they possibly can,
2. Be Assured, Polite and Firm When You Say No
Sometimes if you’re a reformed yes man or woman, your no’s can come off as weak. Your weak no will get people to try and convince you to say yes because you don’t sound reassured. Keep your no’s short and polite “Sorry I can’t” or “I’d love to be I’m not available,” will keep the person from pestering you further especially if you repeat it in the same reassured tone.
3. Don’t Overexplain
Sometimes when we say no and we feel bad for saying no, we always feel the need to overexplain the reason why we can’t do the thing that people are requesting. Your no is a no because you said so. No need for “I can’t because of A, B, and C and I’m so sorry I can’t help you at this time, but I promise I’ll help next time…” blah blah blah. In my opinion, overexplaining can come off as insincere and sound like a bunch of excuses. Keep your no a no and move on.
4. Offer Alternatives… If You Must
If you really can’t help it, and it is burning inside of you to say no but you really don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to help with the thing the person is asking for, consider an alternative that satisfies their need as well as your desire to help someone. For example, if someone is asking you to host your holiday dinner at your house and you really don’t want to deal with the heartache of hosting, suggest bringing a meal or putting people together to go somewhere for your holiday festivities. I think that sometimes offering an alternative gives people an inch to get more out of you but if you continue to set your boundaries, it won’t be as hard.
Your Life Begins at The First No
When you’ve been a yes person all your life, starting to say no really takes time. Once you understand why you’ve always said yes, what it does over time, and the way your life can spin out of control when you don’t learn how to give a firm NO. Although this holiday season is about giving and bringing great vibes, remember that you always need to take care of yourself first.
Question: Do you find it hard to say no to the people around you at times? Why or why not? Tell me on my Instagram @blackgirlwhitegi_bjj.
